One of the things I love about living in Oregon is that I get to experience a balance of all the seasons again. I feel like I get to tune into the gifts of what each one has to offer. Winter has definitely been a time for deep, messy inner work for me and now I feel like I can step into this new season with new awareness.
Without this awareness, I would be bumping up against the same invisible wall I have been since I was in elementary school. Even though I felt the pain of it every time, I could easily rationalize it and see the gifts in it. It became my way of being in the world.
Planning the March retreat brought it to the surface in a way I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Thankfully, I had the support of my coach who helped me really get present to it and what this pattern has cost me. It freaked me out when I saw how it has shown up in my life over and over and over and over and over again.
It is the pattern of “Almost, not quite.” And it has affected EVERY area of my life.
I am able to follow the thread all the way back to P.E. class in either 3rd or 4th grade. We were told to run laps in our small gym and I remember feeling so light, so free, so playful, and so alive! When I was getting ready to pass the two fastest runners in our class, they teamed up and created a wall so I couldn’t. When I moved left, they moved left. When I moved right, they moved right. So, after a few attempts, I slowed down and ran behind them for the rest of the time.
Later in high school, I became Vice President of our Senior class because there was no way I would run for President.
I rode my bicycle across Nebraska which was a 7 day and 500+ mile journey. My tire blew the last 20 miles and the support van didn’t have the right tools to get me up and running again. This meant that my last 20 miles of my bike ride was completed in a CAR. I was so disappointed and yet, because I am so positive, I coached myself knowing I could have made it emotionally and mentally. Looking back, I realize how I created this experience for myself.
There are SO many examples. A full page of them in fact, and recent ones, too. And I keep adding to the list as my awareness expands.
Last year, I remember having a conversation with a friend and told her that if I died the next day, I would be content, and have no regrets. There was nothing left I aspired to be, do or have. We were financially free, I was teaching yoga, and I was living in Portland. What I wanted had already happened. What I realize now is that this “Almost, not quite” programming kept me from dreaming any bigger or really letting myself be fully expressed.
The other way this has affected me is when I DO accomplish something big, like a marathon, I don’t feel celebratory, or like it was worth the effort. I don’t put much effort into anything because what’s the point.
In business, I realize how I’ve been keeping myself safe and small. Which means I wasn’t able to fully support you in the way you deserve and the way I really want to.
I really could go on and on about how this one awareness has uncovered so much.
I have experienced anger, frustration, guilt, sadness, and eventually forgiveness for myself. Simply having this awareness has offered me freedom to show up in my life differently.
The biggest confirmation of this was a few days after this realization, I only had a few minutes to order my lunch before a yoga teacher training was to begin. There were two people in front of me and I asked if I could order before them to make sure I arrived to my training on time. They said yes, I placed my order and THEN it hit me. That was me moving beyond the invisible wall. My old way of being was to stand in line for my turn and hope I would make it on time. I wouldn’t have even thought to ask.
Why am I sharing this with you?
Well, one is to let you know I am committed to this path and this journey with transparency. I am willing and able to go deeper with you, if you are. I know this to be true because of what I witnessed at our retreat a few weeks ago. I believe if I hadn’t done this work on myself, I wouldn’t have been able to hold the space for the ladies who came to the retreat to go deep and experience their own powerful transformation.
And two, to share my story so that you may be able to recognize your own thread of patterns of your own invisible wall. Maybe you are able to follow it back to it’s origination and make peace with it once and for all.
When we have this new awareness we get to experience new ways of being and acting, and life becomes more blissful.
Thankfully, my inner voice knew better and led me to the teachers and experiences I needed to go deep into the muck and come out on the other side.
And even while this programming was playing in the background, my inner voice reminded me that offering retreats has been a dream I’ve had for a long time. And now I know without a doubt my retreats are where transformations happen.
What patterns have you been experiencing in your life? Can you see the thread that ties them all together?